I'm tired of trying to please everyone and I'm tired of people not listening or caring about what I think

I'm sorry if you had your chance and you ruined it and now you want me back because you think you have had a life changing experience that made you better. But I see the demon lingering just under your skin. I see him and he waits. He's been out once or twice since your life change. Nothing is more unattractive to me. Sure, my body responds when you come into the room, but my heart doesn't skip its beat. Keep working at it. And for you, you don't really know much of what's going on and I know you tried to be friendly and get to know me and I know you are just trying to hang out with people and meet people, and maybe I did you wrong. But I'm sorry I'm just not interested I don't think. And for you, the source of all my emotions right now. I have never been done the way you did. I don't even know why I let you in. I should have just cut ties, but I had to say goodbye. I had to be selfish for my heart. I feel like this is goodbye. I feel like this is the last time I'm gonna see you. So I took my chance and had to do it. I did it. I wanted one more taste. I will always want one more taste. But I think I have to cut myself off. Cause I will find someone who's ready. Someone who wants me back. Why is everything spinning?

I Want You To Save Me But I Know You Won't (Dec.16.08)

I can’t do this anymore
I thought you fell in love with me
At a Mayday Parade show
I tried to believe in you
But I don’t think you believe
I wish you knew everything you could be
And I tried
I tried to give you my broken world
And I did mean every word
But for some reason
You’re not willing to take
You tell me to hush
And throw us into the void
You are just a star
That is apparently too high for me
Or maybe I’m the star
A dream I wish you’d need
I just want someone to love me to death
To pick up the pieces of my silhouette
Can you hold me as I fall apart?
Cause I think we’ve wasted our time away
When time was ours to waste
I’ll still be here
When you’re on the cover
Of your rock magazines
I think I know what I mean to you
I’ll always remember
The smile across your face
As you looked down on me
From up there on stage
You tear apart the ones you love
I wish there was a way
I could tell you
Everything you mean to me
Love me, love me to death
I listen to your songs
I hear your pain
I know what you want
It’s too bad you don’t realize
I have all you need
So this is my heart
That you’ve almost broken to pieces
I want you to save me
But I know you won’t
Because you won’t know what I am to you
Until I’m already gone

You never truly know a person

Till you find out the way they hurt you

I don't know what's going on with you

I have seen a few disturbing things. You were so afraid I'd grow away from you, but I couldn't feel further from you, and I didn't move. I'm just here to tell you that I'm here to listen and be there. Cause I know you will read this. If you need me you know where to find me.


I love you

The things I wish I had the anger to say

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I swear that's the last time I'm gonna let this shit get me mad

And you were thinking

That all this drinking never got you anywhere.


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I wonder at what point I'm going to realize you're no good for me

...And actually believe it

These lines between friends and something more are

Blurry

Don't take this the wrong way

But I'm trying to be good, but you bring out the freak in me

Have Your Cake And Eat It Too (Feb.19.2011)

I don’t know where to start
So I’m just gonna start anywhere
Just like you making out with me
Whenever you feel
Like you got me wrapped around your finger
And maybe you do, but I’m only partly to blame
I let go of you, but I only pretended
And you keep snatching me in
While chatting with your vultures
Where are you, wanna meet later
I have a thing for bathroom stalls
Hold on, one more sip
And I can blame it on the alcohol
Wash my vodka down
With a shot of liquid cocaine
I’m gonna shove my tongue down your throat
No, I’m here with no one
But me, I stand aside
And I let it happen because we aren’t together
But why does it feel like my insides are caving in!?
Why am I starting to get angry
Holding back my tears with rage
Why did you come out of that stall and hug me!?
Why did you snatch me away and rub against me on the dancefloor
Why’d you lean in for a kiss!?
I don’t know where your lips have just been
But a bite on the neck to show my lust and anger
But there is fear in my eyes
I watch your movements
Head cocked, lips ready
You try again
And I deny again, because I’m no one’s seconds
I’m the mother fucking main course!
I’m sorry that you didn’t get the memo
You couldn’t tell by how I put it on you that night
So good I had your head in the pillow!
Tiny screams of pleasure, you clutched my thighs for a deeper push
And I gave you all I had
Just like I did from day one
But you felt the need to push me away
I think I know the reason, but your actions aren’t clear
I wanted to believe it was Jack, Jim, and Joe
But you tell me you don’t wanna be hurt
I’d like to know when I hurt you
When I scared you away
Was I just too serious!?
Was I just too much for you?
I thought I was everything you wanted
A boyfriend who would never cheat
A boyfriend who thinks about you every chance I get
A boyfriend to raise you up and never bring you down
Someone you could count on
Someone who’d always be there for you
And I am there for you
Even now as I drown in my tears
Because I have to say goodbye to a perfectly good thing
The only thing rusty is the diamonds on your skin
You say you’re fucked up
Well fix it!
I guess I wasn’t enough to make you wanna be better
And if that’s the case I guess it’s okay that I sit here alone
Breaking my bonds with you as quick as I can
Because I don’t wanna hurt either
My pain like lightning upon my skin
My thunder you have already heard
I have to take a new role
As the bestfriend
Parts of me wonder if I wasn’t good enough for you
Or dirty enough
You tell me not to move on so quickly
When you have already moved on to some creep
But I guess I’m glad he was weird
Cause you would have done exactly what you thought I was doing to you!
Don’t move on too quickly
But I’d like to know what you are looking for?
Are you gonna move on
Because if you’re too fucked up for a relationship
I’d like to know why you’re even looking
All you want right now is a fuck
And that’s fine, I’ve been there
But deep inside your heart bleeds for a relationship
And I could have been so good for you
I think you know that
But you are letting your ticket expire
I wish I could promise a second chance
But no one has ever been able to get through before
So go and do your thing
Fuck all the sluts you want, and Imma get mine
Don’t you worry about me
You already think I have a few things lined up
I’d love to know why you care
Since you’re the one letting go
But I’ll be your bestfriend
I promise I’ll be good
This was just me getting shit off my chest
So here’s to us!
Being friends and going from here
We will grow and prosper
And I can’t promise you won’t fall in love with me
I’m told I’m a lovable guy
Ask all my exes that beg for me back
I could sit you down with all of them
And they’d tell you not to let me pass by
I don’t know why it sounds like I’m begging for you back
The damage is done
And I’ll be there for you
Everyday lunch date, late night snuggles
I don’t know how long all of that will last
But I’ll try my best with you
But I have a particular thing I’m looking for
And I’m gonna search for it
Sorry if my time with you shortens
Or maybe if it isn’t like before
But you can’t have your cake and eat it too
Not with me
I don’t deserve that kind of disrespect
What I will give you is my friendship
Of the deepest kind
Because you already have a piece of my heart
That I can never get back
Just don’t use it against me
Cause I’m not strong when it comes to my heart
So go, live your life
And I’ll be your friend on the sideline
Ready to help you when you are in need
I love you

I guess I finally got the hint

I didn't want it to be like this, but this is how it has to be. You can't force something. It has to happen. We both have to be ready at the same time. Even though your reasons don't make any sense, love doesn't make any sense. I hate this part because I know I'm gonna walk away and lock you out and when I do finally lock you out, you will be on your way back. That sucks cause there will be a part of my heart that clenches, but not enough of it to make me budge. I guess I'll take what I can and accept my role at best friend and maybe sometimes with benefits, if my emotions can handle it. I don't know. I'll sit aside and watch you have your fun, and I'll listen to your stories and uncover your foggy memory, while deep down I'll slowly be losing painful parts of myself, each pain the snipping of a string from me to you. Then eventually I will have no more strings. But regardless, you are always in my heart and I will always be here for you.

You're not allowed to tell me

What I can and can not do, but I let you. Because here I am the boy sitting on the sidelines waiting for you to figure out that I'm good for you. I'm the boy patiently waiting for you to realize that you need to get rid of the shit in your life to be more appealing to me. Sorry I didn't ask you home, but I didn't realize that was a given, we aren't together anymore, you didn't wanna. So what makes me think you wanna go home with me? You have mark, john, chris, and whoever else texting you for your dick. Are you confused because I'm the only one that wants your heart? Is that a flavor you haven't tasted in a while? Is that why I scared you away? Because you felt like you might actually have to give your heart to me...Or worse!...You might want to!!!!? Crazy thought. I can't handle these ups and downs. Every time I think we are in a good place you always have to lure me in and think you want something more from me. But I'm always caught off guard when I figure it out. Cause you have chris, Joe, Mark, and Jim, all texting you, what good am I to you? Oh right, I want your heart and not just your dick. But Chris, Jack, and Paul all are really cute! You already know it will amount to nothing. And that's fine with you because you won't have to feel, other than the orgasm that follows. Nothing to feel. But with me, you feel, and that scares the shit out of you. Why, because you might like me back, but you just can't shake those vultures at your doorstep.

I just don't know what to do about all these new paths laying before me

Relationships are changing, for the better?....For the worse....I can't be sure. I just don't know what turn to take. What's around the river's bend. Do I take the stream, steady as a beating drum, or do you still wait for me....DREAM GIVER?

I just don't work well in a relationship with a

Cancer

I don't know if it's my world that you are too much a part of

Or if it kills you to be a part of it in a way you really don't want.

I can't be sure why I'm emotionally down today

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I think you have been hurt so badly in the past that you won't allow yourself to be

Vulnerable


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Now you're gone and there's an echo in my head

I remember every word you said.


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Why do you hide yourself behind glasses of

vodka

What's wrong with me?

I don't know why I can't shake this guy. He just wants to be friends because he says friends last longer than boyfriends. I understand where he's coming from. I also understand the compliment that he wants me in his life forever. But I think it's kind of a cop-out. I feel like he wasn't willing to try the relationship because he realized that I was serious and that I'm not like all other guys that want a boyfriend, but want a fuck on the side. That's not me. I think everything was great and then he went to TX to visit. Sure we talked every day and stuff, but I think he got a taste of the single life. I think he remembered how it tasted and when he came back to me he was over it and wanted his freedom. He pushed me away. He already told me that. He told me he didn't want me to ever hate him. So he pushed me away, he saw an opportunity and used it so that we'd break up and I wouldn't hate him as much. I like being let down hard and that was hard. But I guess all these signals after are really confusing. We talk more than ever now and we are definitely closer. I just hate how he sells himself short. I hate that almost every person he meets wants to fuck him. I hate that for him. I think that's why I get so annoyed or come across as jealous. I like where we are. But he's in my heart so I will always want the best for him. So when I see him hang with "creatures", I can't help but get annoyed. I guess it's because I know that I would never hurt him and that I'd be good for him. But he doesn't want that role for me. So I have to accept where we are. I'll take the friendship role over nothing. And I can still care for him and love him and raise him up even when he puts himself down. No one knows what the future holds and on that note......


HAPPY VDAY!

You're very good at pushing me out and reeling me back in

And I happily sit along for the ride


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I can be the last boy you will ever need

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If I knew all you wanted was friends with benefits

I wouldn't have let it get so serious.


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I swear I'm gonna stop facebook stalking you

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The worst part about a break up is watching your ex flirt and talk to new boys

And comparing yourself to them and wondering, what is it that they have that you didn't.


...I shouldn't do that


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Have you ever felt like calling someone up to come over so they could simply hold you as you

Cry?


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We are some sort of beautiful disaster

Come save me, come prove to me, that you can be, everything I know you can. Raise you up! Raise me up! Shed that skin. Shed the past. Sacrifice for me. I already have for you. I'm hot on the market, but I wanna be warm in your arms.

I can't even believe the turn of events

I don't really know what to do about it.


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We have a dysfunctional relationship

But it seems to be working for us. And who knows maybe somewhere down the road part two could happen and can be so much better.


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Wow, last night

I don't even know what to say. But I had fun haha


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"Love, don't hurt me

No more"

Your silent. You're doing that thing where you pretend you didn't hear me

Which tells me it already happened. So I hope you enjoy that bag of worms that you just opened. I can't be here to help you with that, cause I will just be violent. And no, I'm not an angry person. I just don't like being disrespected. So I write it out. It's my way of relieving my stress and figuring out all my feelings and thoughts. I had a dream about a tornado. Apparently that means I'm dealing with the violent forces in my life. Hahahahaha, couldn't be more right. I had this dream last wednesday night. The night we broke up. Ugh. But anyway, this is for you my love, I'm just a passionate person who gives their all. You are my friend and I will give you my all.



<3

Trevor...Thanks for tuning in ;p

You wanna know the truth? Well here it is...

I think people who do porn, at least the little twinky boys that I know that have all done it, are sell outs or lazy. These are perfectly healthy and capable people and I just feel like they do porn for easy quick money, but none of them are exactly proud of their job. It's so weird to me. Sure you got a big dick and a nice body, but does that really mean you should sell yourself short?

And if you wanna come to me and say that it's because you were so poor that you needed the money desperately, then come ask me what I've been through and how I still made it without doing porn.

PS: this isn't to put anybody down that does porn. It's not a terrible bad thing. I just think it's a shame to watch people settle for porn when its not something they within themselves can be proud of. And if you are proud of doing porn...Then good for you, and I'm proud of you too. You should always own what you are.

Fuck!

I'm so used to getting off work and calling you...Now, what's the point

"I wish I missed the first time we kissed

You broke all of your promises

And now your back

You don't get to have me back"


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Wow, did you make out with him yet?

Seems like he stalked you to where you were. Hope you didn't go home with him, cause the sober you would NEVER! A vulture's a vulture.

I would have given you forever

But you didn't give me today.


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I hope I gave you a glimpse into yourself

I know maybe it scared you. And I know maybe you don't remember who that person is. But I know he's there dying to come out from behind the mask that you have been wearing behind alcohol and false lust. He hurts every time you work. He dies every time you make your money the way you do. You use things to escape, but it never makes it better. Just know I'm here if you need me to hold his hand and help him to the surface. Because he's only chasing safety.


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I hate that I miss u

And I kinda always knew I would.


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For you, my number one vulture

I love how you pretended to be my friend. I love how you thought you'd inched your way in. I love how you could do nothing but lie to my face thinking that would suffice. I love how you thought it came from the heart and you were doing the right thing, yet you never heard what I was trying to say. I love how you fabricated this whole world in your head where he was leaving me for you and you were gonna go on a date!? Haha, you think I'm jealous, but I would be stupid to be jealous of you. Truthfully I'm pissed because you were someone I called a friend. And you still thought you'd get in. You crossed a line. And you wanna know the truth. After all those times I defended you. After all those chances I've given you. After all the shit people have said to me about you and I took your side every time. All those times I lifted you up and told you that you were worth more than what you had thought. And this is how you repay me!? This is what you do. You try to break my heart by trying to fuck with my boyfriend. Karma is a bitch! I love the moment when I tried for closure and gave you a hug. Sure I still had nothing nice to say, but I at least wished for peace, but then I turn around and watch you dance with him and try to kiss on his neck! Damn man! Can't you wait a minute. Can't you just cut a BREAK! You look like a vulture. Wait a minute -- you ARE a vulture. My favorite part was when he pulled away from you. My favorite part was when he didn't go home with you so you couldn't take advantage of his drunk ass, cause honestly I think that taking advantage of him while he's really drunk is the only way you'll get it.

Karma's a bitch.

I know things come and go but what really sucks

Is watching how easily you let me slip away

I will always remember

That night on christmas day when you asked me when you could call me your boyfriend.

Our real date at T-Rex. You loved it and I could see it in your eyes, that's the moment you fell in love with me.

The time I found out you did porn. I could see you were so nervous about how I'd react.

That time we got wasted together at Revolution.

That time you grabbed my hand in the car.

The night AFTER T-rex haha.

Every time you'd text me "hi".

All the times you called me while you were in Texas.

All these times I'll remember and keep close to my heart along with all my other memories. But what I will always hate is the fact that I met two of you. The one I wanted to date and be with and the other which was lost confused and didn't know oneself. I hate that other person and I think that person was just a front to try and protect oneself from pain and heartbreak. If you were willing for heartbreak and let me in, we might have worked out. I'm always here for you.

Always Nathan

They say you learn something from every relationship

What I learned from you was to b open minded and accept people for who they are and not always what they do. Don't hold people's pasts against them, but learn them. You broke down walls I never thought would break down and I'm afraid of that haha. You taught me how to let go a little and live my life for the moment a little more than I already do. You taught me to brush the nonsense off my shoulder and giggle. You were a part of my very first real date that didn't include a movie. And I will always remember that night on Christmas day. <3





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I guess when I'm in love

I love all the way


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For the first time in my life

I sat at the edge of my bed and looked in the mirror with my bed hair and thought, "I'm fucked up."


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I was excited about work today

Until I walked through the door.


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Time to buckle down and make this work otherwise

What's the point?

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Last night

Was the night from hell. Issues with him. Issues with someone I should even have issues with. But I only do when he's drunk cause that's the only time he has the balls to talk to me. And then I was sick all night and all I wanted was my baby. Ugh. Today is better. Minus I haven't been eating :-x


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Time to go

Underwear shopping.

I think that maybe I should really start

Taking people's advice and stop going against the grain with everything.


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The worst thing about you is that

For all the times you pleaded and swore. You're still the first person to text him, the last person to text him, and you have yet to come to me and try and fix our broken friendship. Yes I know EXACTLY what this is about. I knew all along.


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I wanna be okay

But I don't know if it's time yet.


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You wrote this once

and now i know the truth:so lets see if youll fess up... there is only one thing you can tell me that will crush me more than i already am. p.s. it's probably not what u think

So here it is for you. I know the truth. And this will be more than once. So let's see if you fess up and let me in finally. Or if I'm gonna be left outside. Cause I won't be outside. I'm over it.

We dance to the beat of bad kissers clicking teeth

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I don't like it

I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it
But I like you


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I hate how I can have all these thoughts about you

But once you are here everything just goes away and it's only you and me. It's this power I give you that hurts me in the end.

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I wish that I had

A life where I can just float around like a free spirit. I wish I had a job that paid me enormous amounts of money to do something that I loved. I wish I could be unstable and go where the wind takes me. I wish I could be reckless and fun. I wish I could make my own choices. I wish I could make your choices. I wish I could feel you. I wish this post didn't sound so depressing. I'm glad I'm not depressed.


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Maybe I just need to stop over reacting...

It's times like these

When I sit here at the bar and think why did I let it go this far? Why do I put myself in these situations? How did I let myself get so attached?

What is everyone hiding?


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Legend of the guardians

This movie makes me wanna write.


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I'm so sorry that i

Care too much and like you too much and know it isn't good for me and know it will hurt me in the end. But I don't care because you're right here, right now -- with me.


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"You and your museum of lovers

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater"


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So tomorrow is the day...

Will you truly be happy to see me? Or will I just be a physical embodiment of the chains that bind you? Will we really grow as a couple and be happy? Or will things start to get weird as time progresses? Will you give me the attention I missed when we go out? Or are you going to be too distracted by the "boys"? Ugh, I'm not excited for this chapter. But again this is the part I HATE about relationships. The setting up the boundaries and the getting to know each other. I wish we were already in the I have nothing to hide and comfortable because you know all my dirty little secrets stage. But the hard part can always lead to something rich and real. I hope for that. Can you beat my drum hard.

Insert devilish smile here

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Drink (Jan.13.08)

You drink

I drink

We all drink

The fluid of life into our veins

Sometimes just as refreshing as candy canes

Other times just as animal as primal things

Soft, hard, fast, slow, lather it up

I’m going to make a cup

Bout time these volcanoes erupt

Now slow again, let me catch this sail

Sharp as an orange flower yet with a beautiful smell

You drank

I drank

We all drank

The rain that falls upwards

The schools of fish gather in herds

Swimming with the current as it bursts

So violent and sweet at the same time

I hear a sigh with a whispered curse

Nothing in the world is better or worse

Tongue and lips give away your thirst

This thing always feels like a first

You drink

I drank

We all wipe our lips

After the fire burns from my eyes

Passion thrashed with fairy wings

The fluid of life into our veins

Sometimes just as refreshing as candy canes

Other times just as animal as primal things

Sweat slowly slides down my brow

I think that it’s your turn now

You drank, now I drink, and we will both

Lick our lips

What does the word "friend" mean?

Just give me a name. Seems fishy when it's just a "friend" and then when I ask for a name it's still just a "friend" I know from here. Weird. But I'm not stressing. I always find things out...ALWAYS.

Raise your glass to all the friends

that you thought wouldn't make it, but have started to make something of themselves. Even though it's too late for us, I'm glad you're turning yourself around.

Just when I thought

that you were taking me down a dark trail you know EXATLY what to say to make me assured and happy. I'm glad that I got you around. I think this is all good.

A lot of times I think that

I might be too tame for you.

Or maybe you just aren't the person that you try to be.

I get scared when you black out

because you have no idea what you are doing. Because I'm not on your mind. Because you like to make out. Because you like to dirty dance and touch body parts. Because you could be hurting me and not even know. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I never blacked out. But when I do the first thing I think about is you and how I'm so glad I was out with my bestfriend who wouldn't let me do anything "stupid".

When does going out and blacking out

stop?

I'd rather bleed with cuts of love

Then live without any scars


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I've decided to

start blogging again.